26 September 2010
Embracing myself in deep loneliness
I must be desperately bored and lonely because I am chatting with my X on facebook now. Out of everyone in the list, I chose to chat with him. It was just some casual chat but while chatting I am tearing in from of my lappy. It was not because I'm still in love with him. We broke up 5 years ago and I am pretty sure that the relationship has come to a full stop. Am very close to telling him that I am unhappy and lonely. I just want someone familiar which I once trusted and close to to know how I feel about life now. Let me shed some tears. Lend me a shoulder or chest for comfort. But I just don't have the guts to do so. Sigh...
10 September 2010
Home alone
10 days break. 3 dogs. A pool of fishes. 1 lady.
Days without parents and brother at home are fun and not fun at the same time. Sometimes I wonder if I’ve made the right decision not to follow them to Melbourne. On one hand, I am glad that they get to go for a holiday without worries because there’s someone they can trust & rely on to take care of the house, pets and cars. On another hand, I am feeling lonely and stress managing work and house chores at the same time. But then again, no one at home means no nagging, no chasing, no forcing, no rules and I get plenty of time to clear up all those expired food and ingredients clogging up in the fridge. Muahahahaha… *evil*
Can’t believe there are 5 years old colourings and sauces in the fridge. Mum and her habit of keeping unwanted things. She always believes printed expiry dates are brought forward just in case some silly consumer forgot to check the expiry date before consumption. You can never throw away her things whenever she’s at home. This is a perfect time!
Dad finally gets to travel for a holiday. I am most happy for him. The last time he flew out of Malaysia was with mum & I when I was 2 and I just turned 30 few days ago. That was freaking 28 years ago. Dad has been working hard to sustain his business out there. His business is so competitive that he couldn’t afford to take any long leave to be away for vacation. And I know how much he’s dying to visit his friend oversea and travel somewhere far away for good food. His visa application was rejected too because a person who stops travelling for as long as 28 years suddenly travel so far may seem like he’s planning to work illegally to earn some easy money oversea.
Mum has travelled with brother to various countries several times but never gets a chance to travel with dad. This is like dream come to true for her.
As for my brother, he always wanted the whole family to travel together while everyone is still healthy and around. I want to do the same too but what about the 3 dogs at home? I rather sacrifice and stay at home with them.
Every day went fine except for Tuesday which is disastrous. It was my entire fault for being so careless. Or maybe I should blame it all on the bag of shits! Shouldn’t have put it above the unlock cage while I’m cleaning the cage. My dog ran away for 15 minutes. She came home full of deep cuts and covered with diesel dirt and rubbish smell. I was heartbroken to see her in bad shape. I can never forgive myself to cause all these pain which my dog has to bear. I don’t have proper medication and for few seconds I was so lost and panic. Thank god my lazy cousin was at home so she came to rescue us. Whole day was spent to clean up wounds and all the mess. It’s already close to evening. I haven’t even eaten or drink since morning. I feel like crying when I look at the dirty clothes soaking in Dynamo and 4 cars waiting for warm up. Dad’s lousy car window wouldn’t wind up so I have no choice but to leave it half opened and cover it with plastic bag then parked it in front of house gate instead so the fur boys can keep an eye on the car. By the time I finally settled down, it’s already close to 9.30pm.
The rest of the days are like in jail. All I do every day is feeding, picking up shits, washing clothes, spraying Ridsect, cooking brunch + dinner, rushing office work and stayed up in the middle of the night to take care of my ill dog. Her huge wound needs plenty of care to avoid fly laying eggs on the wound. I ended up sleeping at the sofa for nights.
I’ve gained plenty of experience throughout these days without my family members at home. While they are away, I played role as:
Days without parents and brother at home are fun and not fun at the same time. Sometimes I wonder if I’ve made the right decision not to follow them to Melbourne. On one hand, I am glad that they get to go for a holiday without worries because there’s someone they can trust & rely on to take care of the house, pets and cars. On another hand, I am feeling lonely and stress managing work and house chores at the same time. But then again, no one at home means no nagging, no chasing, no forcing, no rules and I get plenty of time to clear up all those expired food and ingredients clogging up in the fridge. Muahahahaha… *evil*
Can’t believe there are 5 years old colourings and sauces in the fridge. Mum and her habit of keeping unwanted things. She always believes printed expiry dates are brought forward just in case some silly consumer forgot to check the expiry date before consumption. You can never throw away her things whenever she’s at home. This is a perfect time!
Dad finally gets to travel for a holiday. I am most happy for him. The last time he flew out of Malaysia was with mum & I when I was 2 and I just turned 30 few days ago. That was freaking 28 years ago. Dad has been working hard to sustain his business out there. His business is so competitive that he couldn’t afford to take any long leave to be away for vacation. And I know how much he’s dying to visit his friend oversea and travel somewhere far away for good food. His visa application was rejected too because a person who stops travelling for as long as 28 years suddenly travel so far may seem like he’s planning to work illegally to earn some easy money oversea.
Mum has travelled with brother to various countries several times but never gets a chance to travel with dad. This is like dream come to true for her.
As for my brother, he always wanted the whole family to travel together while everyone is still healthy and around. I want to do the same too but what about the 3 dogs at home? I rather sacrifice and stay at home with them.
Every day went fine except for Tuesday which is disastrous. It was my entire fault for being so careless. Or maybe I should blame it all on the bag of shits! Shouldn’t have put it above the unlock cage while I’m cleaning the cage. My dog ran away for 15 minutes. She came home full of deep cuts and covered with diesel dirt and rubbish smell. I was heartbroken to see her in bad shape. I can never forgive myself to cause all these pain which my dog has to bear. I don’t have proper medication and for few seconds I was so lost and panic. Thank god my lazy cousin was at home so she came to rescue us. Whole day was spent to clean up wounds and all the mess. It’s already close to evening. I haven’t even eaten or drink since morning. I feel like crying when I look at the dirty clothes soaking in Dynamo and 4 cars waiting for warm up. Dad’s lousy car window wouldn’t wind up so I have no choice but to leave it half opened and cover it with plastic bag then parked it in front of house gate instead so the fur boys can keep an eye on the car. By the time I finally settled down, it’s already close to 9.30pm.
The rest of the days are like in jail. All I do every day is feeding, picking up shits, washing clothes, spraying Ridsect, cooking brunch + dinner, rushing office work and stayed up in the middle of the night to take care of my ill dog. Her huge wound needs plenty of care to avoid fly laying eggs on the wound. I ended up sleeping at the sofa for nights.
I’ve gained plenty of experience throughout these days without my family members at home. While they are away, I played role as:
- A freelancer and housewife with 3 kids at home
- A worried mother with a seriously ill kid
- A single lady with a huge house, 3 dogs and a pool of fishes
- An adult who moved out from her parent’s house to earn some freedom and privacy but lonely and insecure
Sometimes when they are around, I’m dying for some freedom and privacy. But when they are not around, I miss them dearly. It’s a mixed feelings of happy and unhappiness. Thank god the tough days has finally come to an end. Freedom is 6 hours away. Can’t wait to see what they bought for me from Melbourne. Tomorrow is the day where I get to meet friends again, eat some decent food & sleep on a proper bed for full 8 hours. Yippee!!!
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