26 September 2010
Embracing myself in deep loneliness
I must be desperately bored and lonely because I am chatting with my X on facebook now. Out of everyone in the list, I chose to chat with him. It was just some casual chat but while chatting I am tearing in from of my lappy. It was not because I'm still in love with him. We broke up 5 years ago and I am pretty sure that the relationship has come to a full stop. Am very close to telling him that I am unhappy and lonely. I just want someone familiar which I once trusted and close to to know how I feel about life now. Let me shed some tears. Lend me a shoulder or chest for comfort. But I just don't have the guts to do so. Sigh...
10 September 2010
Home alone
10 days break. 3 dogs. A pool of fishes. 1 lady.
Days without parents and brother at home are fun and not fun at the same time. Sometimes I wonder if I’ve made the right decision not to follow them to Melbourne. On one hand, I am glad that they get to go for a holiday without worries because there’s someone they can trust & rely on to take care of the house, pets and cars. On another hand, I am feeling lonely and stress managing work and house chores at the same time. But then again, no one at home means no nagging, no chasing, no forcing, no rules and I get plenty of time to clear up all those expired food and ingredients clogging up in the fridge. Muahahahaha… *evil*
Can’t believe there are 5 years old colourings and sauces in the fridge. Mum and her habit of keeping unwanted things. She always believes printed expiry dates are brought forward just in case some silly consumer forgot to check the expiry date before consumption. You can never throw away her things whenever she’s at home. This is a perfect time!
Dad finally gets to travel for a holiday. I am most happy for him. The last time he flew out of Malaysia was with mum & I when I was 2 and I just turned 30 few days ago. That was freaking 28 years ago. Dad has been working hard to sustain his business out there. His business is so competitive that he couldn’t afford to take any long leave to be away for vacation. And I know how much he’s dying to visit his friend oversea and travel somewhere far away for good food. His visa application was rejected too because a person who stops travelling for as long as 28 years suddenly travel so far may seem like he’s planning to work illegally to earn some easy money oversea.
Mum has travelled with brother to various countries several times but never gets a chance to travel with dad. This is like dream come to true for her.
As for my brother, he always wanted the whole family to travel together while everyone is still healthy and around. I want to do the same too but what about the 3 dogs at home? I rather sacrifice and stay at home with them.
Every day went fine except for Tuesday which is disastrous. It was my entire fault for being so careless. Or maybe I should blame it all on the bag of shits! Shouldn’t have put it above the unlock cage while I’m cleaning the cage. My dog ran away for 15 minutes. She came home full of deep cuts and covered with diesel dirt and rubbish smell. I was heartbroken to see her in bad shape. I can never forgive myself to cause all these pain which my dog has to bear. I don’t have proper medication and for few seconds I was so lost and panic. Thank god my lazy cousin was at home so she came to rescue us. Whole day was spent to clean up wounds and all the mess. It’s already close to evening. I haven’t even eaten or drink since morning. I feel like crying when I look at the dirty clothes soaking in Dynamo and 4 cars waiting for warm up. Dad’s lousy car window wouldn’t wind up so I have no choice but to leave it half opened and cover it with plastic bag then parked it in front of house gate instead so the fur boys can keep an eye on the car. By the time I finally settled down, it’s already close to 9.30pm.
The rest of the days are like in jail. All I do every day is feeding, picking up shits, washing clothes, spraying Ridsect, cooking brunch + dinner, rushing office work and stayed up in the middle of the night to take care of my ill dog. Her huge wound needs plenty of care to avoid fly laying eggs on the wound. I ended up sleeping at the sofa for nights.
I’ve gained plenty of experience throughout these days without my family members at home. While they are away, I played role as:
Days without parents and brother at home are fun and not fun at the same time. Sometimes I wonder if I’ve made the right decision not to follow them to Melbourne. On one hand, I am glad that they get to go for a holiday without worries because there’s someone they can trust & rely on to take care of the house, pets and cars. On another hand, I am feeling lonely and stress managing work and house chores at the same time. But then again, no one at home means no nagging, no chasing, no forcing, no rules and I get plenty of time to clear up all those expired food and ingredients clogging up in the fridge. Muahahahaha… *evil*
Can’t believe there are 5 years old colourings and sauces in the fridge. Mum and her habit of keeping unwanted things. She always believes printed expiry dates are brought forward just in case some silly consumer forgot to check the expiry date before consumption. You can never throw away her things whenever she’s at home. This is a perfect time!
Dad finally gets to travel for a holiday. I am most happy for him. The last time he flew out of Malaysia was with mum & I when I was 2 and I just turned 30 few days ago. That was freaking 28 years ago. Dad has been working hard to sustain his business out there. His business is so competitive that he couldn’t afford to take any long leave to be away for vacation. And I know how much he’s dying to visit his friend oversea and travel somewhere far away for good food. His visa application was rejected too because a person who stops travelling for as long as 28 years suddenly travel so far may seem like he’s planning to work illegally to earn some easy money oversea.
Mum has travelled with brother to various countries several times but never gets a chance to travel with dad. This is like dream come to true for her.
As for my brother, he always wanted the whole family to travel together while everyone is still healthy and around. I want to do the same too but what about the 3 dogs at home? I rather sacrifice and stay at home with them.
Every day went fine except for Tuesday which is disastrous. It was my entire fault for being so careless. Or maybe I should blame it all on the bag of shits! Shouldn’t have put it above the unlock cage while I’m cleaning the cage. My dog ran away for 15 minutes. She came home full of deep cuts and covered with diesel dirt and rubbish smell. I was heartbroken to see her in bad shape. I can never forgive myself to cause all these pain which my dog has to bear. I don’t have proper medication and for few seconds I was so lost and panic. Thank god my lazy cousin was at home so she came to rescue us. Whole day was spent to clean up wounds and all the mess. It’s already close to evening. I haven’t even eaten or drink since morning. I feel like crying when I look at the dirty clothes soaking in Dynamo and 4 cars waiting for warm up. Dad’s lousy car window wouldn’t wind up so I have no choice but to leave it half opened and cover it with plastic bag then parked it in front of house gate instead so the fur boys can keep an eye on the car. By the time I finally settled down, it’s already close to 9.30pm.
The rest of the days are like in jail. All I do every day is feeding, picking up shits, washing clothes, spraying Ridsect, cooking brunch + dinner, rushing office work and stayed up in the middle of the night to take care of my ill dog. Her huge wound needs plenty of care to avoid fly laying eggs on the wound. I ended up sleeping at the sofa for nights.
I’ve gained plenty of experience throughout these days without my family members at home. While they are away, I played role as:
- A freelancer and housewife with 3 kids at home
- A worried mother with a seriously ill kid
- A single lady with a huge house, 3 dogs and a pool of fishes
- An adult who moved out from her parent’s house to earn some freedom and privacy but lonely and insecure
Sometimes when they are around, I’m dying for some freedom and privacy. But when they are not around, I miss them dearly. It’s a mixed feelings of happy and unhappiness. Thank god the tough days has finally come to an end. Freedom is 6 hours away. Can’t wait to see what they bought for me from Melbourne. Tomorrow is the day where I get to meet friends again, eat some decent food & sleep on a proper bed for full 8 hours. Yippee!!!
18 August 2010
Little imperfections to perfection?
Wish I could open up my heart to show you how frustrated & upset I am now. Words may not describe it well. You can only feel it burning inside you with no clue on what else you could do to trigger some improvement on such never ending nonsense. Tell me if you can accept this kind of nonsense happening around you from time to time.
This is a girl with 3 years of working experience in Australia for relevant field whom already joined me for 8 months with full training by ME, MYSELF & I.
A smart girl with potential to grow some more with a pretty face? You got to be kidding me! Most people claimed beauty & brain usually don't exist altogether in a girl's system. And who doesn't want to hire a person with beauty & a brain these days? Being her mentor for so many months, I must say I can never be more glad to get someone like her who is willing to work for months under so many one leg kicking accounts. She can really work and is a fast learner. Most importantly, I can see there's hidden potential inside awaiting for chances to grow.
However,
here comes the exciting part...
every time she passes you a document, there will always be spelling errors, spacing issues & problems with consistency even after you asked her twice if she has done a thorough copy check. This never ending process happens at least twice a day.
Things which you have alerted NOT once but 2-3 times will not land on your table unless you keep reminding & pestering like an old lady. Tasks given in written format will be forgotten without reminders. 1 simple map or invite card revision will take 3-6 rounds of changes and sometimes dragged on for 2 days before you can send it out to client.
Sometimes the brain is fully functioning but sometimes the brain is like lack of oxygen for 3 seconds and suddenly everything is like shit! You can rely but not rely on her at times like this. Confrontation & direct comments didn't help. Bambuing also didn't help either. Patience and tolerance quota was also drained up. And still it happened over and over again. How else can you deal with it if it landed on you?
It drives me mad when unnecessary mistakes happen. It drives me even more mad when these little imperfections have to come from someone like her! Why does little imperfections to perfection always have to happen at the same time? Are they siblings? ...
This is a girl with 3 years of working experience in Australia for relevant field whom already joined me for 8 months with full training by ME, MYSELF & I.
A smart girl with potential to grow some more with a pretty face? You got to be kidding me! Most people claimed beauty & brain usually don't exist altogether in a girl's system. And who doesn't want to hire a person with beauty & a brain these days? Being her mentor for so many months, I must say I can never be more glad to get someone like her who is willing to work for months under so many one leg kicking accounts. She can really work and is a fast learner. Most importantly, I can see there's hidden potential inside awaiting for chances to grow.
However,
here comes the exciting part...
every time she passes you a document, there will always be spelling errors, spacing issues & problems with consistency even after you asked her twice if she has done a thorough copy check. This never ending process happens at least twice a day.
Things which you have alerted NOT once but 2-3 times will not land on your table unless you keep reminding & pestering like an old lady. Tasks given in written format will be forgotten without reminders. 1 simple map or invite card revision will take 3-6 rounds of changes and sometimes dragged on for 2 days before you can send it out to client.
Sometimes the brain is fully functioning but sometimes the brain is like lack of oxygen for 3 seconds and suddenly everything is like shit! You can rely but not rely on her at times like this. Confrontation & direct comments didn't help. Bambuing also didn't help either. Patience and tolerance quota was also drained up. And still it happened over and over again. How else can you deal with it if it landed on you?
It drives me mad when unnecessary mistakes happen. It drives me even more mad when these little imperfections have to come from someone like her! Why does little imperfections to perfection always have to happen at the same time? Are they siblings? ...
18 July 2010
Worry
I am beginning to worry about my health these days. I get tired so sudden and my body can change to sleep mode within seconds but after 15 minutes or so I will wake up and everything will get back to normal. I even snored while sleeping in sitting position. This is BAD! VERY BAD signs indeed. How am I suppose to share a room with 5 on my next trip? :(
12 July 2010
Monday NO Blues
I am happy today ^__^. This is one very unusual Monday which I have no Monday Blues when I have to wake up early for work. Not because Spain won. I have had some quality rest over the weekend. Hence, I am not tired like usual Mondays. This is real awesome POWER NAP!!!
The other reason was I totally ignored my boss' indirect demand to attend the client's wedding by showing her some support. It's a super stressful and expensive wedding which I could not afford to deal with especially this month. Then again, I have also thrown away all pending works and headache behind which I couldn't be bothered with anymore.
I kept smiling from the moment the alarm clock rang till I reached the office.
Plenty of car parks is happy.
A quiet office without football is happy.
Passing by all Monday Blues faces is happy.
Cheung Fun for breakfast is happy.
Boss came around spreading her unhappiness & nonsense but I am still happy.
I'm beginning to miss Monday morning on 12 July 2010. May all the Mondays will be as awesome as today.
The other reason was I totally ignored my boss' indirect demand to attend the client's wedding by showing her some support. It's a super stressful and expensive wedding which I could not afford to deal with especially this month. Then again, I have also thrown away all pending works and headache behind which I couldn't be bothered with anymore.
I kept smiling from the moment the alarm clock rang till I reached the office.
Plenty of car parks is happy.
A quiet office without football is happy.
Passing by all Monday Blues faces is happy.
Cheung Fun for breakfast is happy.
Boss came around spreading her unhappiness & nonsense but I am still happy.
I'm beginning to miss Monday morning on 12 July 2010. May all the Mondays will be as awesome as today.
08 July 2010
Embarrassing
Wednesday was only the second day I have to work alone without Aurora.
0430
Final warning to fill in my time sheet. Or else delay your next month salary.
0530
David is already here for the photo shoot briefing.
0700
Have to call Terry to discuss about 3D rendering opportunities.
0800
Done with Terry
0830
Too tired. Ter ZzZzzz on my work station
...........
..............
....................
Open eyes. @_@!!!! Aiks! It's already 1030
Still plenty of work to do
T_T
Continue with email to client for tomorrow's 9am shoot.
Must submit 3 months backdated claims. Or else all April claims will be forfeited! Most importantly I am super broke!
Preparation for tomorrow's site visit.
Boss punya overdue appraisal form submission. PA chased twice. Really beh tahan liao so I dropped her a mail and ask for extension till Thursday before lunch.
0230
Reached home
Thursday night at a cafe chatting with a friend on Facebook..............
CL: Wei
D: Yes darling
CL: Yesterday David gave good comments after looking at your photos. He said you have good eye for details. Very graphic and artistic angles
D: lol
CL: He asked you to work with him
D: Tell him to talk to YL
CL: Haha I din tell him you interview with them b4
D: lol
D: Btw, yesterday you look very exhausted. Me and Ken saw you napping while we walked past
CL: @_@!!!!! Oh nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo (Super duper pai seh)
CL: I must be sleeping and snoring with saliva dripping on the edge of my mouth. Hope you two saw me from far away.
CL: PAI SEH!!!!!!
D: lol. Just take more rest my friend
CL: Aurora not here sure tired.
I feel like digging a hole to hide my face. Shit!
If it was Ben who saw me napping, I'll die!!!
30 June 2010
Motherfucking fridges
It's a sad life!
Imagine.
Working late. No dinner. Leaving office at 12.30am. Tired. Extremely hungry. Nearly gastric. Too dangerous to stop by to pack some decent food. Rushing home hoping there's some dishes in the kitchen. Reached home. Ignored the dogs. Very hungry. 1 more minute of hunger will end up eating gastric pills instead of food.
Rushed to the wet kitchen.
NO FOOD!!!
Checked fridge #1.
NO FOOD!!!
Checked fridge #2.
NO FOOD!!!
Headed on to the dry kitchen. Only alcohol and water.
For goodness sake!!! I just need something decent (never mind if its cold) which I can pop into my mouth within 5 minutes. Pulled drawer. Packs of instant noodle saying hi to me. No choice. Cooked and ate unwillingly.
Hate, hate, hate my mum's fridge. We have 2 fridges and yet there's no decent food. Not even milk or yogurt. Just raw vegetables, frozen meat and Chinese herbs. Motherfucking fridges!
Imagine.
Working late. No dinner. Leaving office at 12.30am. Tired. Extremely hungry. Nearly gastric. Too dangerous to stop by to pack some decent food. Rushing home hoping there's some dishes in the kitchen. Reached home. Ignored the dogs. Very hungry. 1 more minute of hunger will end up eating gastric pills instead of food.
Rushed to the wet kitchen.
NO FOOD!!!
Checked fridge #1.
NO FOOD!!!
Checked fridge #2.
NO FOOD!!!
Headed on to the dry kitchen. Only alcohol and water.
For goodness sake!!! I just need something decent (never mind if its cold) which I can pop into my mouth within 5 minutes. Pulled drawer. Packs of instant noodle saying hi to me. No choice. Cooked and ate unwillingly.
Hate, hate, hate my mum's fridge. We have 2 fridges and yet there's no decent food. Not even milk or yogurt. Just raw vegetables, frozen meat and Chinese herbs. Motherfucking fridges!
28 June 2010
Down cycle
Last week MK told me he's going thru a down cycle again. I feel the same too. Sigh.... 真的好想放一个有长的假期冷静一下。然后在想清楚我30岁的路程要如何处理。
23 June 2010
Urgency to move
I have the urgency to move so badly! There's too much to bitch about. Too much sensitivity on the other channel. Hence, the move. Or maybe I am back with my loneliness. Hence, the need to blog.
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